Moving on is simple...

...it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.

It's almost 6am and I am still denying my sleep. I have no idea if I'm ready for another day, I don't understand what's making me feel so gloomy inside.

So much happened yesterday for me doing absolutely nothing. So much that had happened mentally.

I woke up yesterday afternoon reluctantly cause I felt a sudden sadness in my dream and I was waking myself up. I hate sad dreams, it makes me sad and I know these dreams reflect how I feel inside. I don't exactly know why I am sad inside, but I kinda had a clue. I know of this bitterness in my heart still regarding my ex relationship with Khodi. I know I'd get it over with soon, but at this point, I haven't given up on trying to understand where we went wrong that had caused him to lose his respect for me as a person.

How I really feel inside was just like I was born the day I met him, I lived a while when we were in love and I've died a little when we fell apart.

In the midst of all these emotional sh*t, I still felt like a bum the entire day.

Then in the evening I received a text from my old roommate that I have not heard from for months that my ex-colleague, my friend, had passed away. So Crystal, I hope you rest in peace.

What a random day. I hate days like this. For I look like poop, feel like poop, health's like poop.. and I am poop.

Back to the beginning.

This is some bullshit. How did I gain everything one day, and lose them all in another? How did I from Ms. Finance "higher up" prospect to shitless bum? I am not putting myself down, it's just that how the f*ck shit?

Ok, let's be a heartless scum"bitch" and say it's all caused by the death of my grandma. << My excuse.

I am so frustrated looking back at what I had and what I've lost. It's gonna be work again to get back up to where I was. It's like counterstrike kz jumping map except you won't be able to save and get back to the point you were at last.

I'm not depressed, don't get me wrong. Maybe a little. But it does really get to me that I am no longer the state that I was, I know these little turds around me that hates me are like giggling "hehehe, bitch is back to stage 1". @#$%*!

Yea. Bitch is back to stage 1. And I realized what matters. I am back at stage 1 with nothing but I always have my precious mother. Thank lord. Now I just have to worry when I lose her, then I'm in deep shit. I don't think I wanna live after that point.

So god, if you take her ever away from me, I'm going up there and bite your ass.

Jobless and Emotionally Useless.

I woke up at 1pm today. Ha! How many of you can actually do that? I am out of a job and have mentioned, "I need a job" for the past couple months. I've been living off my savings (oh well, shit happens), and I don't know why, I enjoy being jobless! I can't seem to get my ass up to go find a job, I mean I've tried but I've got nothing since everything in this world seems to require "college degree" and to some I'm "overqualified".

It sucks. But that inner me, thinks that it's awesome that I can spend my late nights watching random youtube videos and do absolutely nothing productive.

Someone knock me out of my senses. Please?

I love being jobless but if I don't get a job now, it might turn into a financial toll on me. I can't have my nearly perfect credit score go down to shit like everyone else! I am supposed to be successful!!


Haha.

And meanwhile, I saw something random again on some chick's myspace - "Being single is awesome!"... BULLSHIT!! I call you out on this one!

I don't exactly remember a time where I really did enjoyed being single. Maybe it's me, but I hate being single. I need to find a man, fall into their arms and stay forever. I am one of those I guess.. the "useless female"/ "dependent on men" type. I'm not ashamed of it, I am one of those who enjoy spending every moment fun with someone that I like, I like to sit on the toilet knowing that there's someone waiting out for a good conversation, someone I can wear my makeup for. I know there are such group of humans in life called "friends" but can you enjoy as much as someone who knows the ins and outs of your life that doesn't judge you?

I tend to think, dating is like fishing. And there are several types of fisher"women"/women...

Those that:
A. Fish, Hook, Keep (tends to keep long relationship)
B. Fish, Hook and Set it free (she just wants to do the dirty, then see ya!)
C. Waits (No fishies are good enough.)
D. Fish, Hook, Got bitten and now don't fish anymore (Aw.)
E. Fish, Hook, Gut it out and set it throw it back to the water (I ain't saying she's a gold digger.. :P)
F. Fish, Hook, Keep, and Keep fishing until you ran out of space for your fishies. (Oh, watch out for syphilis.)

I might be missing a few others that I don't think of but you can always email me what I'm missing.. Otherwise, I would say that that's a summary of how women date. I belong to group A. I don't remember a relationship that lasted shorter than a year that is memorable to me. I don't like being single, and I'm never single for long. It's a bad habit. And no, I do not have all these relationships that I use and toss, I just keep working on the current one until it hits me that I can't anymore. Then when that time comes, give me a couple days to get over it, and I know there's another set of arms there for me. Yea, it might not feel the same as the last one, but that's not my point. My point is how typical I am, needing someone to be there for me cause my lonely heart can't take being lonely.


PS: After this post, I read up on "10 Reasons Why Being Single is Awesome" here.

And I think it's complete bullshit and I disagree!!! All these reasons are not good reasons! If it is, You're a damn kid who doesn't know about relationships and you're deemed to be single forever!!!! *Stares with demon eyes*

You can read the details on the link above, but this is his summary.

Why being single is awesome:

1. Freedom (Comon' now, you can get freedom from relationships too! Just tell your partner, "Hey b*tch, Your f-ing leash is too tight, let loose a little. If you can't do that, what kind of relationship are you having?!)

2. Casual Sex (Okay, this is dirty. I don't know about you, but this is just a bad idea to begin with. Someone say STDs please?)

3. You have your own social identity. (Obviously when you had your partner, you hauled her everywhere, to every event you've been to.. You can keep your social identity. But seriously, who cares if you're you and you're not "we", vice versa?)

4. You can have friends. (You can have friends while in a relationship too!)

5. You are perfect. (Yea, well, You think you're perfect, but it really feels better when someone else says you're perfect with twinkling eyes.)

6. You don't have to listen to anyone. (Okay, maybe that might be a slight reason why single can be awesome.)

7. You're on time. (What? That's a reason? Buy a watch damnit.)

8. Nobody gets hurt. (.....And nobody is truly happy.)

9. You have money. (Oh!! I somewhat agree with that, but if you both split in intervals on who foots the bill, it shouldn't be much of a problem. I mean, even if you're single, you're spending your money on bars, etc too. *Raises eyebrow*)

10. You can indulge, change and grow. (Doing it all alone and no one to show for.. what fun is that?!)

---Overall, I think that article sums up on one common theme.

And note to whomever that agrees with the above..You have never had a real relationship!

ps/ps: Please read his last line. :D

Welcome to Hollywood High School!

The future: A fugly one.

Lovelies!

It has been a very odd month, I was doing a little traveling.. Kinda needed it to clear all that mess clustered in my mind. Well, I'm back here in my newly revamped room. Something I'm really proud of, my little piece of heaven.

Meanwhile, I bring good news for those who are always asking for me to be on my webcam to be able to chat and all that other good stuff, I am setting up a live broadcast! I will keep you folks updated and till then, be good and live life!

O it's been so long!

Damn. What.. it's been... several months?

Oh well shit happens.

Quick update stuff. Whats happening recently? a whole bunch actually.
Let's summarized a month's worth. For APRIL!

I'm currently not in country. I will be back.
My Grandma is critically ill in Singapore.
Life's kinda been odd.
Khodi's been there for me.
I have been busy with all sorts of stuff. I will explain.
My mom's looking to purchase a house in Singapore to live long term.
I have been trying to lose the weight I've suddenly gained.
I have not done anything productive.
I was the Birthday girl on the 27th.
No, I did not celebrate as much as I wanted to.
I will have more fun not celebrating my birthday as long as I'm back at home.
I had actually went back to church thanks to Iwan. *waves*
I had played tons of badminton. Now I'm sore and have a blue toe.
Actually two.


Woah-la!

That's towards the end of April.

Couple more things since you've already read this far.

I miss him. I really do.

And I've spent to much so far.

....I'd cover the rest.. When it's not 4am in the morning. (Okay, I'd include pictures as well.)

Goodnight!