Moving on is simple...

...it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.

It's almost 6am and I am still denying my sleep. I have no idea if I'm ready for another day, I don't understand what's making me feel so gloomy inside.

So much happened yesterday for me doing absolutely nothing. So much that had happened mentally.

I woke up yesterday afternoon reluctantly cause I felt a sudden sadness in my dream and I was waking myself up. I hate sad dreams, it makes me sad and I know these dreams reflect how I feel inside. I don't exactly know why I am sad inside, but I kinda had a clue. I know of this bitterness in my heart still regarding my ex relationship with Khodi. I know I'd get it over with soon, but at this point, I haven't given up on trying to understand where we went wrong that had caused him to lose his respect for me as a person.

How I really feel inside was just like I was born the day I met him, I lived a while when we were in love and I've died a little when we fell apart.

In the midst of all these emotional sh*t, I still felt like a bum the entire day.

Then in the evening I received a text from my old roommate that I have not heard from for months that my ex-colleague, my friend, had passed away. So Crystal, I hope you rest in peace.

What a random day. I hate days like this. For I look like poop, feel like poop, health's like poop.. and I am poop.

Back to the beginning.

This is some bullshit. How did I gain everything one day, and lose them all in another? How did I from Ms. Finance "higher up" prospect to shitless bum? I am not putting myself down, it's just that how the f*ck shit?

Ok, let's be a heartless scum"bitch" and say it's all caused by the death of my grandma. << My excuse.

I am so frustrated looking back at what I had and what I've lost. It's gonna be work again to get back up to where I was. It's like counterstrike kz jumping map except you won't be able to save and get back to the point you were at last.

I'm not depressed, don't get me wrong. Maybe a little. But it does really get to me that I am no longer the state that I was, I know these little turds around me that hates me are like giggling "hehehe, bitch is back to stage 1". @#$%*!

Yea. Bitch is back to stage 1. And I realized what matters. I am back at stage 1 with nothing but I always have my precious mother. Thank lord. Now I just have to worry when I lose her, then I'm in deep shit. I don't think I wanna live after that point.

So god, if you take her ever away from me, I'm going up there and bite your ass.