I can't close my eyes long enough.

Me and Eric came a long way now, today's our mini-anniversary. I guess it felt somewhat out of place, since he's not around and I somewhat don't felt like it was that much of an important occasion. But kudos for my love sticking it out with me for this long, for more I have never predicted for it to last more than it already is.

Good job Eric. You are officially crazy for being with the nut.

I am grateful for all you have done for me, I thank you for loving me just because I made you smores one day at the bondfire.

I'd just let my sleepy mind explore.

Could I say it fast enough. It is way too early for me to be up, yes, my body is tired yet its like my mind refuses to go to bed. I guess I'd let my typing murmur what I have to say in the next couple minutes and let my mind go wild.

It is close to thanksgiving now, another year pass quickly. It's like 5 thanksgiving here in Virginia, a couple more back, I don't remember where and when. Geez, You know sometimes, life is like fuzzy for me. I can't remember much but those that stain my memories are just parts of me I want to remember. Maybe in years to come, I shall slowly forget everything including myself. If this continues, maybe this would help me remember slowly who I am. I don't want to portray myself wrongly, or over correctly, cause I am such a character whom I have no clue how to describe. Sometimes I am living like a teenager, sometimes I am a grown one, sometimes I am cold to someone I love, sometimes I am cold to myself. What am I truly, I do not know, but one thing I do know is that.. I don't remember.

Maybe it's the pain I've once felt way too many times, this could be it. My avoidance to true reality sets in everyday leading me to fuzziness then to nothing. I realize I am very strong indeed, could things go more wrong, I know I could still hold it up against the storm. I know where I am sometimes, I know where I linger. Can my avoidance though change my memory, my choice to forget change my life? It seems that I am cold, to every each of my thought. I can choose to feel nothing, or feel something every different minute. Brat I am, I choose to feel nothing when I do feel something. Then when I do, I forget. Probably the fear, the fear of harsh reality setting in to my life everytime I thought I had cognizance the essence of it. I forget that I am sinking to this deep hole in my head that I don't remember why I am sinking in the first place.

It is quite incomprehensible I guess.

Eric was here today, he just left prolly 3 hours ago. It will be his first day at work today, 4 hours drive home off to working at his first day of work. Things he would do with the thought of trying to make the best out of this. I was laying next to him thinking what if life was different in his world, what if he wasn't sheltered, what if I have never met him and gave the pursue a chance.. could things go very differently?

I don't understand why I am here in the first place, it is something I personally don't understand and don't agree with. I can't explain, I kind of know why but..

I thought of him again. Once too many times have I told myself it is time to let go, you have something more precious now to hold on to. I want to let go, and let that forgetfulness set in. I know I can, that's why we are apart in the first place. It has been a year now, out of that two years I've spent lightly grasping on to it that I hold on to it like it's super glued to my heart. I know he understands, he put it in words, "No matter what paths we take, We are on the same one. Just in different worlds". So many beautiful words compiled by lovely thoughts that once brought light in my world. It's understandable, I was young, still indefinitely young and immature.

But I will not let go like I did for this, I am not doing anyone wrong or bring pain. Could I seek forgiveness and be spared of this slow torment I feel, may it not be brought to this stage for what now I have. Call it gratefulness for not been able to seek pain through him. I have slowly let go of the past, and trying to stay on track with the future with someone who has been nothing but nice and loving towards me and should I betray that kindness he had shown, could I deem sinful in my part for not staying.

So I will solemnly state, "I love you" but no one guarantees the word "forever".